Mallory's Intervention
by Red Witch
Summary: When Mallory's drinking and drug use gets out of control, the gang plans an intervention.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gotten a drink. Just something that came through my tiny mind. Let's be honest. This would totally happen.**

 **Mallory's Intervention **

"Guys I'm really worried about Mallory," Lana said to the other members of the Figgis Agency in the bullpen.

"Me too," Ray said. "I'm worried one day she'll actually snap and burn down this building. Like she's been threatening to do for years."

"Right after going completely crazy and shooting us all," Cheryl added. "Yeah I saw where you're going with that."

"No, I mean really worried about her," Lana said. "I've never seen Mallory drink this much before. Or take this many drugs. Even when Archer went missing those few times she still didn't lose it like this."

"Came pretty close during that whole pirate fiasco," Pam reminded her. "And that burn notice incident."

"Haven't you people noticed that she's been going to the hospital nearly every day now?" Lana asked. "I think it's finally hit her that Archer's condition is more serious than she believed."

"Well he is in a coma," Ray said. "What? Did she honestly think he was going to wake up like it was just another bender? And as soon as I said those words…"

"She barely comes into work anymore as it is," Cheryl realized. "Which honestly is a huge plus for me. I can basically do whatever I want when she's not here."

"You basically do whatever you want when she **is** here," Ray told her.

"Yes but now she doesn't yell at me!" Cheryl snapped.

"I've noticed she barely yells at any of us anymore when she comes into work," Ray realized.

"When she **does** come into work," Cyril added. "She's been spending more and more time at the hospital. Ron called the other day and said she hasn't slept in her bed in days. She's been spending her nights at the hospital sitting by Archer's bedside."

"That's horrible," Pam gasped.

"Now that I think about it," Ray thought. "It's been weeks since she used a homophobic epithet at me or called me an emasculating name. Okay now I'm starting to get worried."

"Clearly Mallory isn't holding up as well as she thinks she is," Lana said. "And if we don't do something soon, she could end up in the hospital along with Archer."

"And that's bad **why?"** Cheryl asked.

"Shut up, you evil little bitch!" Pam snapped.

"Make me!" Cheryl stuck out her tongue.

"Mallory will come in this afternoon," Lana said. "I think we should take that opportunity to tell her that we're worried about her."

"Or," Ray spoke up. "And this is just a thought mind you…We could just stay out of her way and keep bullets out of our hides."

"I like his idea," Cyril pointed to Ray.

"Guys we need to have an intervention for Mallory about her drinking," Lana said. "And her popping pills like they're M&Ms!"

"An **intervention**?" Pam blinked.

"For **Mallory Archer**?" Cyril asked.

"And she thinks I'm stupid," Cheryl snorted.

"Guys this is for her own good," Lana said.

"What about **our own good**?" Ray asked. "What about keeping our spines **in our backs?** Or not being dismembered and spread all across the city?"

"Again," Cyril spoke up. "Ray does have a good point."

"I have a suggestion," Pam said. "I say we mind our own damn business and pretend nothing is wrong."

"Until **when** Pam?" Lana snapped. "Until Mallory drugged out of her gourd decides to shoot us all anyway?"

"Lana also has a good point," Cyril admitted.

"So your plan is to confront Ms. Archer…" Ray thought aloud. "The most evil and dangerous alcoholic there is that she's drinking too much. That is your plan in its _entirety?_ Am I right?"

"We can do this," Lana said.

"Can we do this while being **armed**?" Ray asked. "Preferably with tranquilizer guns and bazookas?"

"I'm on it," Krieger nodded as he got up.

"No! Krieger sit down!" Lana barked. "We are **not** drugging up Mallory! That kind of defeats the whole point of the intervention!"

"Well what about the bazookas?" Pam called out.

"No!" Lana snapped.

"Lana that's like asking us to go against a bear armed with nothing but a bow and arrow!" Pam snapped.

"Then it's a good thing we've got Ray," Cyril groaned.

"What?" Lana asked. "Oh right that whole eating a bear heart incident when Ray was ten."

"You ate a freaking bear heart when you were **ten?** " Pam looked at Ray in shock.

"Yes," Ray sighed. "Because my Daddy made me after I had to kill it with a bow and arrow. It was very disturbing. Especially since it was still beating a little."

"Your father made you eat a **raw bear heart**?" Pam was stunned.

"Lucky," Cheryl pouted.

"I know, right?" Krieger agreed.

"No wonder you're gay," Pam shook her head.

"You know…?" Ray glared at her.

"Can we get back to helping Mallory here?" Lana asked.

"Again who's going to help **us**?" Cyril asked.

"Krieger, you got a bow and arrow I can borrow?" Ray asked.

"Probably," Krieger shrugged. "It's been a while since I've cleaned my closet."

"We are **not** using weapons on Mallory!" Lana barked.

"Well we need **something** to protect ourselves!" Ray told her.

"Look Mallory needs to know that we're coming to her because we're concerned about her," Lana began.

"And you're not at all concerned about **us**?" Ray shouted.

"That we are speaking to her as her friends," Lana began.

"Seriously?" Pam spoke up.

"Okay fine as her co-workers," Lana began.

" _Seriously?"_ Pam spoke up again.

"Ms. Archer sees us all as her barely useable pawns that she'd trade in for a good fur if she had the chance!" Ray snapped.

Cyril added. "Lana, have you completely forgotten that team building disaster from Hell in Maine? And what **happened**?"

FLASHBACK!

A well-kept large cabin in the woods. A picture of peace and serenity.

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Which was quickly blown up and set on fire.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Mallory did not blow up that cabin," Lana pointed out.

"I wasn't talking about **that part** ," Cyril told her. "I was referring for what she did to Dr. Sharp! Remember? The psychiatrist she hired?"

Ray added. "And who suggested that Ms. Archer was an alcoholic who needed to seek treatment for her problem. And that her alcoholism was making her a bad leader, bad mother and in his words…"

"His **last** words…" Cyril added.

"And oversexed to the point of completely denying her feelings of inadequacy and her fears of aging," Ray added. "You remember what happened to him when he said **that?** "

"Oh…" Lana then remembered.

FLASHBACK!

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" A bearded man screamed from the gun wounds on his body. That and the fact that he was on fire. "AAAHHHH!"

BANG!

The doctor dropped dead.

Mallory held her gun in her hand. Her horrified agents and staff were behind her. Not just Archer and the usual gang but a group of past drones and agents as well.

Except of course for Cheryl who had a look of pure joy on her face. "Best company retreat **ever!"**

"Okay. Here's what happened," She told her staff. "KGB attacked us and Dr. Not So Sharp over here got caught in the crossfire. Krieger get his wallet…"

"Got it," Krieger held it in his hand. "And I assume you want me to drain his credit cards?"

"If you want to get paid this week, yes," Mallory said as she put her gun away. "By the way nice touch with the fire. Normally I would be mad at you blowing up a building but in this case…"

"It's not like I did it **on purpose** ," Krieger said sheepishly. "By the way, has anyone seen a really big box of spiders?"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Never did find that box of spiders," Ray remarked.

"Oh, I found the box," Krieger said. "It was empty. The spiders inside however…"

"Now I remember," Lana winced.

"How could you forget **that day**?" Cyril asked sharply.

"Well it's not like it was an isolated incident!" Lana shouted. "We've had a lot of fires and dead bodies we've had to cover up and…Oh my God. We've had a lot of bodies and fires over the years to cover up."

"So many bodies and fires," Cheryl sighed wistfully. "Ah, memories."

"Look we're doing this so…" Lana sighed. "I've got some pamphlets in my office on how to put on an intervention. I'll be right back." She went to get them.

"I need a drink," Ray groaned as he got up.

"You're going to drink alcohol before an intervention?" Cyril asked.

"Well I'm sure as hell not going to face Ms. Archer **sober!"** Ray snapped.

"Good point," Pam got up. "I'm getting a beer."

"Me too," Krieger nodded.

"Oh what the hell?" Cyril groaned. "There's a bottle of Archer's scotch I stole for a special occasion. Might as well drink it before I die."

"Ugh that stupid dead zone pool," Ray groaned as they all got drinks from the bar. "I don't even want to **think** about that!"

"Because the odds are one to one you're gonna bite the big one?" Pam asked as she took a drink.

"We're all more likely to bite the big one if Ms. Archer gets insulted enough," Krieger pointed out.

"Or Lana," Ray added between sips. "If she gets mad enough."

"She's gonna kill us," Cyril whimpered.

"Who?" Pam asked. "Ms. Archer or Lana?"

"Both! Either!" Cyril snapped. "We piss off either one of them and we could end up like Conway Stern."

"I'm already a little like Conway Stern," Ray waved his bionic hand. "Oh like you idiots weren't **already** thinking that!"

"Ehhhh…" Pam, Krieger, Cheryl and Cyril admitted with a shrug.

"God this day is going to suck eggs," Pam grumbled as she took a drink.

"Here," Krieger took out some pills. "These will calm you down."

"Give me three of them!" Cyril ordered.

"What are they?" Ray asked.

"Who cares?" Cyril snapped as he popped some pills. "I need to be as numb as possible so I don't feel my arms getting literally ripped off my body."

"Then these will do it," Krieger took one as well.

"Gimme," Cheryl pouted as she took two.

Pam swallowed the pill. "Oh yeah this is the good stuff…I can feel it working already."

"It's a faster dissolving formula…" Krieger began.

"Okay guys the first thing we should…." Lana walked in with the pamphlets. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Having a drink and taking some tranquilizers," Cheryl scoffed before popping in another pill. "Duh!"

"You people are getting drunk and high before **an intervention**?" Lana gasped.

"Again, not going to confront Ms. Archer about her addictions **sober!** " Ray snapped.

"Yeah Lana!" Cyril snapped. "Ooh! I feel tingly. Is that supposed to happen?"

"That means the pills are working yes," Krieger nodded. "Just a heads up though, if you see an occasional flying animal that's also a side effect."

"Oh good," Pam looked in another direction. "Because I was pretty sure we didn't have any miniature flying giraffes."

"Those are okapi," Ray corrected.

"Oh right," Pam realized. "So, they are."

"I'm starting to think this might be the **wrong group** to use for an intervention," Lana groaned.

A few hours later…

" _We're poor little lambs who have lost our way!"_ Ray, Cyril, Krieger, Pam and Cheryl were singing happily while drinking. _"Baaa, baa…"_

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Pam called out.

" _We're little black sheep_ …" They started to sing.

"Racist…" Cheryl hiccupped.

" _Who have gone astray,"_ The others kept singing.

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Pam called out.

" _Gentlemen songsters off on a spree…"_ Cyril sang out well. _"Doomed from here to_ _eternity!"_

"Boy is this our song or what?" Ray snorted with laughter.

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Pam called out.

"BAAAHHHH!" Krieger bellowed back.

"BAAHHHHHH!" Cheryl did the same.

"BAHHHHHH!" Ray added.

"Stop **interrupting** me!" Cyril hiccupped. "I'm singing."

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Everyone else responded.

"Well BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH to you!" Cyril blew a raspberry. "Actually, that's kind of fun. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"Definitely the **wrong group** to use for an intervention," Lana groaned. She had succumbed slightly and was now drinking a small glass of scotch.

"BAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Cheryl bleated at her.

"What's _your problem_?" Krieger asked. "It was your idea to throw this party."

"It's **not** a **party!** " Lana barked. "It's an intervention! Or at least it's **supposed** to be an intervention."

"Yeah and this is supposed to be a detective's office," Cheryl laughed.

"Come on Lana," Pam snorted. "Don't be a sourpuss bitch. The way our lives are we need to cram all the fun we can get into what little holes of opportunity we have."

"Phrasing!" Cheryl and Ray said at the same time.

"Cramming things into holes…" Cheryl laughed drunkenly.

"We drink and party today," Krieger raised his glass in a toast. "For tomorrow, we die!"

"Probably Ray," Pam quipped before she took a drink.

"Why is it always **me?** " Ray whined. "Why can't **someone else** ride the death train for a change?"

"Hello? Archer?" Cheryl told him. "Coma? Remember?"

"Oh right," Ray blinked. "Still…"

"It is getting rather predictable I know…" Cheryl sighed. "It would be more interesting if someone else went. And better for ratings because it's more shocking."

"Maybe we'll be lucky and it will be **you?** " Cyril grumbled.

"Maybe we'll **all** get lucky and it will be **you,** " Cheryl shot back.

"Maybe we should all figure out what we are going to say to Mallory?" Lana suggested.

"Okay," Cheryl nodded. "About what exactly?"

"About her drinking," Ray told her.

" _ **Seriously?"**_ Cheryl asked.

"Well Ms. Archer has been drinking a lot," Pam admitted before taking a sip of beer.

"Ohhhhhhh!" Cheryl realized. "I thought you meant she hasn't been drinking **enough!** And I'm thinking ' _whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat_ '? Because Ms. Archer has been hitting the sauce harder than a sauce factory…Hitter…Wait I had something better for this."

"I've got one," Ray spoke up. "Ms. Archer drinks so much she thinks the Lost Weekend is a comedy."

Pam then spoke up. "Ms. Archer drinks so much the last mosquito that bit her had to go to an AA meeting."

Cyril added. "Ms. Archer's idea of a balanced diet is a scotch in each hand!"

"Ms. Archer drinks so much…" Krieger said. "Breathalyzers explode just being **near** her. And I speak from experience."

"Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded. "Those are way better than what I had."

"Keep working on it honey," Ray smirked before he took a drink.

"Are you people actually **working?** " Mallory asked as she walked in. "That'll be the day."

" MS. ARCHER!" The others cheered loudly.

"How's the world treating you Ms. M?" Pam called out.

"Like a dog treats a fire hydrant," Mallory remarked. "What the hell is all this?"

"This is about you because Lana made us talk about **you** ," Krieger pointed, slightly plastered.

"This was all her idea! Not ours!" Ray said. "So keep that in mind when you are chopping off body parts."

"Yeah no point in starting with Ray because you know?" Cheryl snickered.

"But this is about you…You are drinking way…way," Cyril hiccupped. "Way too much. Tooooooo much."

"Way too much," Pam burped before finishing up her beer.

"The Lost Weekend is a comedy for you!" Cheryl spoke up. "And any mosquito that bites you!"

"I definitely did not see the flaw in this plan," Lana groaned.

"Yeah a **major** flaw!" Cheryl laughed. "What plan was that again?"

"Okay is it just me," Mallory asked Lana. "Or do they sound even more incoherent than usual?"

"This was supposed to be an intervention," Lana explained.

"Oh," Mallory nodded. "For who?"

"YOU!" Lana snapped, exacerbated.

"Oh," Mallory nodded. "About what?"

"About **your drinking**!" Cyril slurred. "Your drinkity, drink drink…"

"I'll drink to that!" Krieger said cheerfully.

"Yeah let's all have a drink to that," Pam agreed as they all took a drink.

"So to recap," Mallory blinked. "Most of you had to get drunk in order to tell me that I've been drinking too much."

"Apparently," Lana groaned.

"And taking pills," Krieger added. "Which we also did."

"And it's about damn time we told you too," Pam hiccupped.

"You have been drinking waaaaayyyyy too much!" Ray slurred.

"Yeah share the hooch bee-aach!" Cheryl agreed.

"Sorry about this Mallory," Lana sighed. "For so many reasons…"

"Honestly, I'd be more upset if I wasn't bombed already," Mallory waved. Then she started to giggle. "Now I just find this funny!"

"What did you take this time?" Lana groaned.

"Not really sure," Mallory admitted. "I was going through my purses the other day and I found something. I think it was some experimental stuff Krieger brought back from San Marcos. It explains the flying miniature antelope."

"Those are okapi," Ray corrected.

"Oh, **okapi** …" Mallory nodded. " **That's** what those things are. Okay good to know."

"It is good to know," Cheryl nodded.

"Other than that these pills really go well with the scotch I had," Mallory added.

"I dunno," Pam said. "This beer seems to go well with 'em too."

Mallory turned to the others. "Okay turn on the damn fire alarm system and let's get this party started!"

"It's not a party!" Lana snapped. "It's an intervention! Or at least it's **supposed** to be one!"

"Well I have to drink and take pills Lana," Mallory snapped as she got herself some scotch. "My son is in a freaking coma! How else am I going to feel better?"

"She has a point," Ray said. "Woman needs to express her grief."

"Not with pills and scotch!" Lana told them.

"It's not **always** pills and scotch!" Mallory snapped. "Sometimes it's with absinthe or bourbon. Even wine…"

"Okay this was definitely a bad idea," Lana groaned. "Let's just forget the whole thing."

"Jesus Christ woman!" Cyril shouted. "First you say we should support Mallory in her time of need. And then you say we **can't!** Which is it? Make up your damn mind!"

"Yeah make up our damn minds!" Cheryl added.

"Because some of us don't have any," Ray added.

"Exactly!" Cheryl snapped.

"I see why you drink," Pam said to Mallory. "I see why you drink."

"This is part of why I drink," Mallory said. "She can be so…"

"I know!" Cheryl said. "BAAAHHHHHH!"

"Lana, I think we need to confront you on your sobriety," Pam spoke up. "Your sobriety is affecting us all in negative ways."

"That's why we called this intervention!" Ray spoke up. "To tell you that you need to **start** drinking!"

"Yes!" Mallory agreed. "Your lack of drinking is affecting your work! You need to drink more! Think of your child! You have to drink more!"

"Okay clearly this whole idea was one big **mistake!** " Lana threw up her hands. "I give up! I'm going to pick up AJ and spend the rest of the day with her."

"You'd be better off picking up a bottle of Jim Beam and spending the rest of the day with him!" Cheryl called out as Lana left.

"What's her problem?" Krieger asked.

"She is just not handling Sterling's coma well," Mallory sighed as she finished her drink and started another one. "I knew she'd be a wreck."

"She is barely hanging on as it is," Ray said as he took a drink.

"You said it sister," Mallory nodded. "Damn those okapis are flying all over the place!"

"Don't worry," Krieger took out a remote and pushed some buttons. "They'll fly away when the strobe lights go on."

Just then the regular lights went out and the strobe lights went on. Electronica dance music started to pulse through the building. "You're right. That got rid of them," Mallory said. "Not that I blame them. Oh what the hell? Let's dance!"

"Why not?" Ray shrugged.

And that was when one of the better parties of the Figgis Agency began.

The following day…

"Well Mallory isn't coming in," Lana got off her cell phone as she sat in the break room. "She's going to go to the hospital later."

Cyril sat at the table with his face flat on the table. "Someone take me to the hospital now…"

Ray and Pam also were hung over. Cheryl however was happily still drinking. "Archer was right. If you don't stop drinking you don't get hung over."

"Or…" Ray winced. "If you have no brain cells to begin with…"

"Do I want to know what happened?" Lana groaned.

"It's all kind of fuzzy after the conga line," Ray groaned.

"Here we go!" Krieger walked in with some green fizzy drinks on a tray. "Dr. Krieger's Hangover Cure!"

"What the hell is in it?" Lana asked.

"Lana," Ray sighed. "We find it's best **not** to ask questions like that."

"So much for the damn intervention," Pam groaned as she took the hangover cure. "Instead we got a damn rave. And Ms. Archer is still a wreck."

"Well that's her fault for getting sober," Cheryl shrugged as she took a drink from her glass.

Cyril drank some hangover cure. "God this tastes like grass but I feel better already. Maybe we can get some work done today?"

"What work?" Lana asked bitterly. "We never get anything done at this agency!"

"Nope," Ray said as he drank his hangover cure. "But we have some damn good parties."


End file.
